The Etymology of Compassion: A Relational Dynamic
The word “compassion” comes from the Latin compati, meaning “to suffer with.” Compassion is a relational act. We extend it to others when we witness their pain. We offer kindness rather than judgment. But what happens when we turn that same compassion inward? This is where self-compassion comes into play, yet it isn’t always easy to understand how it works.
One reason self-compassion can feel elusive is that it requires us to acknowledge the different parts within us. Psychologist Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), describes how we all contain different sub-personalities. Some sub-personalities are critical, other wounded, while some other are protective. When we embrace the idea that we are not a single, fixed self but a collection of inner voices and experiences, self-compassion starts to make more sense. Walt Whitman captured this beautifully in the Song of Myself:
“Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes).”
What Does Self-Compassion Look Like in Daily Life?
Suppose for a moment that self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. What does that actually look like? Here are a few examples of how self-compassionate approaches can transform our inner experience:
1. Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
One of the most self-compassionate things we can do is set boundaries that protect our emotional well-being. Many of us struggle with guilt when asserting our needs, but self-compassion allows us to prioritise our well-being without shame. For a deeper exploration of this, you can read the article “How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty”.
2. Acknowledging and Accepting Uncomfortable Emotions
Instead of dismissing difficult emotions or trying to “fix” them immediately, self-compassion encourages us to acknowledge them with gentle curiosity. If you’re feeling anxious, rather than berating yourself for it, you might say: “This is hard right now, and I see that. What do I need?” This small shift makes space for healing and growth rather than reinforcing inner conflict. For a deeper exploration of emotions and the emotional landscape, you can check the article: “Learning to trust your emotions – not fear or fight them”.
The Roots of Self-Criticism: Internalised Voices
Self-criticism often feels like an internal battle, but it originates from external sources. Many of the harsh judgments we place on ourselves are echoes of critical voices from childhood – parents, teachers, or societal expectations. At some point, we learned that being hard on ourselves kept us safe, earning approval or preventing rejection. Over time, this survival strategy became habitual, even when it was no longer necessary.
Today, self-criticism often precedes external criticism—we judge ourselves before anyone else has the chance. But if we are the ones imposing this judgment, we also have the power to shift it.
Overcoming Self-Criticism Through Self-Compassion
If self-criticism is ingrained, how do we unlearn it? Here are a few steps toward a more self-compassionate way of being:
- Recognise the Critical Voice: Notice when self-criticism arises. Instead of accepting it as truth, see it as a habit.
- Speak to Yourself with Kindness: If a friend were struggling, how would you respond? Offer yourself the same kindness.
- Reframe “Failure” as Growth: Instead of judging mistakes harshly, view them as opportunities to learn.
- Practice Small Acts of Self-Care: Self-compassion is not just about thoughts but actions—resting when you need to, engaging in activities that bring joy, and honouring your limits.
Self-compassion is not indulgence; it is a practice of meeting ourselves with understanding, even in our most challenging moments. The more we embrace it, the more we cultivate a relationship with ourselves that is built on care rather than criticism.
How can therapy help tackle self-criticism?
Sometimes dealing with self-criticism can be quite tricky and the amount of internalised voices overwhelming. At other times, we might be triggered intensely. We lose any sense of objectivity and distance. We feel at a loss as to how to handle a situation. Whatever the situation is, working on oneself can give us the inner resources to deal with self-criticism more effectively, by also utilising the power of self-compassion. Some therapy or coaching might be called for though…
If you recognize yourself in the earlier paragraph, you can contact me for a session through the contact page. Alternatively, you can book directly on the website. It will be an honor to support you with whatever situation you might be facing.
